Friday B.S.: I Don't Smell Myself • Posted 06/06/08

I have seen the end of my deodorant stick and I am sad. I am faced with the dilemma of replacement and it's not as easy as just heading down to CVS and picking up whatever's on sale. Personal hygiene products come with a myriad of considerations and for being the anti-shopper that I am, I get bottlenecked on the simple decisions.

I don't smell that I know of, at least not in the pits region (ponder that one for a second, I dare you.) But I am a profuse and profound sweater (unravel that one while you're at it) so there is always a distinct possibility that it might impact my stink-factor. This concerns me, and thus, I use deodorant. By the way, this absolutely nothing to do with common courtesy, it's simply a matter of pride. I never want to hear someone say "What is that smell?" as I pass by, unless I'm the one saying it. I would be driven into a shame spiral that a quart of Ben & Jerry's and an evening of Cameron Diaz movies couldn't pull me out of.

Choosing a deodorant is complicated by brand and strength. I never figured myself for the rash type, but for some reason, some brands irritate the skin while others leave a soothing, white balm of sweat protection. (I'm not sure where the stink prevention comes in but I'd like to think it's there somewhere. Maybe that is what cologne is for.) They now have new clinical strength deodorants, no doubt a euphemism for plaster casing, which I haven't tried myself. Now that I have to replace my deodorant anyway, maybe this is the time to take a risk and ultra-protect myself from sweat fallout. Of course, I would have to fight the temptation to coat myself from head to toe in clinical strength deodorant since hey, I don't just sweat in my armpits, yo.

These considerations and many more complicate any trip to the drug store. For one, I rarely know what makes one brand more appealing than another. It seems to me the principal difference in shampoos is how they smell, no matter what the package actually claims they do. Mouthwash is basically a matter of how much it sears the inside of your mouth. Toothpaste is about the flavor, though I finally settled on the "tooth whitening" feature even though I have never really seen any measurable results. Shaving cream is a matter of watery foam or solid foam (think cool whip). Sinus medication is divided into daytime and nighttime. I have also taken a fancy to baby powder, cocoa butter, hair gel, moisturizer, and hand soap but for the most part, there is no distinguishable characteristics that make me favor one brand over another.

While there is something to be said for a product does what its supposed to, it's few and far between when I purchase bathroom stuff that I can't use. The chunky shower gel is the one exception. Supposedly, it rubs off the dead skin, a sort of liquid loofah, but the texture is a bit too much like peanut butter and not enough like jelly for my taste. But mostly everything else, I could give or take it no matter what the name says on the bottle.

Inevitably, I choose brands through one of two methods. A friend of mine supplied me with shampoo, conditioner, and mouthwash for three months after she decided she didn't like what she had bought for herself. It was a) free b) available without going to the drug store c) just as good as any method I might come up with myself for picking a brand. The other way is to go with the brands that I've been using since I left for college. Sure, I have no idea what originally enticed me about said brand, but it makes the choice stress-free. Needless to say, it's devastating when they take the brand I've been using for 10 years off the market. I have to give myself an hour in Target just to identify a replacement, and sometimes I just leave in disgust and vow to try again in a few weeks.

I know somewhere deep inside that these things should either be way more important to me, or way less. I know it but I can't bring myself to act like I know it. I want to smell nice and have soft skin and white teeth, but unless what I bought already does that, it's almost certainly going to be another six months before I test out an alternative. In the meantime, I am out of deodorant and the idea of heading out to the drug store to buy a replacement has me in a cold sweat.