Editor's note: Sometimes I stumble across articles I wrote and I think 'man, I can see where I was going with this.' Originally posted on April 17, 2006.

Today I am in high barf mode. It started in Pittsfield, actually, at an all you can eat prime rib disaster. It did something to my insides. In the last two weeks, I have emitted such gaseous discharges that they named a new element after me. I suppose no human is supposed to digest two pounds worth of USDA Canner grade prime rib but come on, one free refill and it is instant value added. The week old baked potato they served with it slid down my gullet like pound cake, or a really thick shake.
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Editor's note: Sometimes I stumble across articles I wrote and I think 'man, I can see where I was going with this.' Originally posted on June 24, 2006.

I always figured I would make a shitty superhero. Oh sure, I can fly in my dreams, and sometimes I fight on the side of good. But in real life I don't think anything is ever so black and white as good and evil. My brother reminded me of that the other day in his blog when he spoke about the presidency. It's not just Bush specific, I think the role itself has a lot of ambiguity about right versus might. My brother wrote that "just because I don't like Bush doesn't mean I'm not an objective evaluator of his Presidency." And after I read that, I thought "I could never be a super hero."

It's not as far a leap of logic as it sounds.
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Editor's note: This article was originally published in 1993 in Life 'n' Death 'n' Stuff. The actual edition is undated, so you'll have to take our word for it.

What does R.E.M. stand for?

Consider their track record so far. On one of their earliest albums, Reckoning, the letters R.E.M. could have stood for Really Elusive Music. Most of the songs were mellow, with messages that were never obvious by reading the title, uneasily decipherable when one listened to the words. This was more pure R.E.M. when Michael Stipe, the lead singer, had a full head of hair. A lot of the songs reminded the listener of melodic keening, like on Letter Never Sent.
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Editor's Note: It's Christmas Day! We have a reprint! This article was originally published on December 4, 1992.

For those of you requiring gifts from your relatives and friends this holiday season, here is something to consider when writing up your list.
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Editor's note: This article was originally published on February 24, 2006. Every weekend, give or take, we will reprint the best of Smart ReMarx from the early years. Or in this case, earlier this year...

1. Why is it on a fifty-minute flight, people can't manage to stay in their seats for the whole flight. I mean, for the twelve minutes that the captain turned off the fasten seat belt scene, it was a line to the bathroom.
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Editor's note: This article was originally published in the January 1998 issue of Suedomsa the Magazine. Every weekend, give or take, we will reprint the best of Smart ReMarx from the early years. Suedomsa the Magazine is available in its entire run online at ayrx.com.

Despite the trendiness of beards (particularly of the goatee variety) I decided to grow one. After all, I bought cords last spring. Although I was before my time with relaxed fit jeans.
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Editor's note: Smart ReMarx is spending Thanksgiving in California. Here is a holiday reprint that was originally published on November 23, 1992.

Thanksgiving has always been a special time of year for me. In 1985, I spent the holiday in Michigan. I was hoping it would snow because I had never made a snowball before. What I didn't know was that it snowed every Thanksgiving in Detroit. My first day there, the minutest layer of white covered the ground. I tried desperately all day to make use of the snow. My snowbaby melted before I had built the head.
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Editor's note: This article was originally published on September 9, 1994. Every weekend, give or take, we will reprint the best of Smart ReMarx from the early years.

I'm jaded by the real world. Anheuser-Busch took over Sea World in San Diego, and now there are all sorts of Bud paraphernalia on sale in the park.

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Editor's note: This article was originally published on December 3, 1993. Every weekend, give or take, we will reprint Smart ReMarx from the early years. If you like, here is the real story.

It went something like this.

Across the street from a dairy farm, there was a gas station which I stopped at one evening to refuel my automobile. As I walked into the store to hand over money, I noticed an older gentleman staring at me intensely. He was gone before I returned to pump gas, and I didn't see him afterward.

When I finally got in my car, I noticed something odd on my dashboard. A rose, quite dead and blackened, had been left there.
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Editor's note: This article was originally published on September 17, 1993. Every weekend, give or take, we will reprint the best of Smart ReMarx from the early years.

I just dropped out of pre-calculus. I didn't look back.

Now that I'm math free, I have never been happier. The math classes I took at my old high school were miserable. [ Read The Rest ]